The feeling I hate the most is uselessness. That feeling when after a long while, you suddenly feel like you’re nothing anymore, like you’re just invisible. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I have this need to be needed; that my existence highly depends on other people’s perception of me. And maybe that’s my problem.
Three months after graduation, I started working and had to adjust. Through my roles, I was able to finally understand what I had been studying the past four years. I struggled with all the resignations of my bosses, learning to code and delivering the project’s expectations. Up until now, I’ve always credited my skills to the sudden roles I had to assume after teammate after teammate left the project or the company. It also helped that I was trained by a mentor, now a friend, who believed in letting me be. I wasn’t the best in what I was doing but I turned out great. After five years, I find joy in helping others solve their problems and in solving my own problems at work. It was flattering to be asked about my opinions and my knowledge. It was heartening to be tasked to do the impossible because it meant that I had value; that they believed in me; that I was useful. Mixed with those feelings, though, were self-doubt and anxiety. I had so little confidence in myself that my first reaction to any new opportunity was to say “No”, or if that wasn’t an acceptable answer, to panic.
Maybe my self-doubt led me to this point right now. Last year was a slow year for me. No new projects or tasks that needed to be done or if there were, I wasn’t involved in them. Yes, I did have small side activities, but it wasn’t like before. This year started out the same. Two months in and so far, I only had done minimal work. This is opposite to the others who have been busy the past months. Seeing this disparity has been hard. I used to be the one involved into different initiatives. I used to be pardon the word, the first choice. Now, I am no longer it and that is a bitter pill to swallow. Maybe this thing just happens. You grow old and you shine a little less bright. And maybe this has been fueling my interest in resigning from my post. Honestly, this is the best time for it. I have no work to turn over. I have no one I’m leaving behind. I have a job waiting for me back home; a job that I am now excited about. Nothing is holding me back because they no longer hold on to me.
It is time to let go.